Table of Contents Hide
- The biggest hurdle to getting him back is this:
- If You Want Him Back, Remember THIS
- How To Make Him Want You Back In 8 High Value Steps
- Step #1: Show Him That You Accept The Breakup – For Now
- Step #2: Now Determine Your Attachment Style
- Step #3: Go No Contact
- Step #4: Build Your Value – All Men Want An Intrinsically Valuable Woman
- Step #5: Reach Out And Apologise For Any Wrongs
- Step #6: Feel And Send Appreciation For All The Good Things He Did In The Relationship
- Step #7: Find Common Ground To Connect With Him On
- Step #8: Engage in High Value Banter With Him
- What If It’s Too Hard to Make Him Want You Back?
- Frequently Asked Questions
So you want to know how to make him want you back?
That’s completely reasonable, and depending on who you are and who your ex is, it’s also completely possible.
You get him back by:
- Showing him that you accept the breakup
- Building your value as a woman
- Apologizing for any wrongs; and
- Build emotional connection and emotional attraction
Now, there are 8 simple steps that will help you get him back and keep your dignity.
Before we get into the 8 steps, there’s something we have to remind you of: one emotional hurdle that will block your efforts if you’re not aware of it.
The biggest hurdle to getting him back is this:
Your emotional attachment to him.
Let me explain.
You spent considerable time investing in this man, and you became emotionally attached to him. Thus your heart and your body are in pain right now.
This means that almost every cell in your body (possibly all cells in your body) are swimming with ‘remnants’ of him.
Basically, your body is yearning for him.
As a woman, this is the cold hard truth. Women become emotionally attached to the men they get close to and sleep with.
Men also attach emotionally to their partners, however you have to understand that after you’ve let a man ‘in’ to your body, (both physically and emotionally), something interesting happens.
You form an attachment to him, and this causes your whole life, your emotions and psychology to be oriented towards holding onto him.
One reason for this is your feminine bias for forming emotional attachments.
It is in your interests, both emotional and reproductive interests, to form attachments in order to maximize your own safety and the amount of resources you can extract from a man.
Because remember, you’re the one who carries the child, not him. So emotional attachments benefit you.
But they also make letting go a lot harder.
Because letting him go means pain and grief, both physical and emotional.
Not to mention the lost time you invested in him.
Why would you just want to let him go? (Well, there are some very good reasons why, but we’ll get to that later).
So why is any of this relevant to answering the question: how to make him want you back?
Because your emotional attachment to him is both a downfall and a benefit for getting him back.
It’s a downfall because when you’re not aware of it, you’re likely to fall prey to low value, desperate behaviors in order to try to rid yourself of the pain and deal with the attachment.
Conversely, it’s a benefit because it makes you vulnerable, and this vulnerability can help you inspire him to commit to you.
That’s right, your vulnerability can actually serve you in getting him back.
If you want to learn more about this feminine vulnerability, we have something special for you.
Would you like to discover how to say goodbye to the heartbreaking reality of being emotionally attached to a man without him being attached to you?
If You Want Him Back, Remember THIS
…Remember how your own feminine biology works:
In prehistoric times, having sex with and investing in a man likely meant you became pregnant and had to raise children.
If you did not hold on to the man, then it likely meant grave danger for yourself and your children.
Not to mention the amount of resources you’d have to lose if you didn’t have the desire to hold on to a man!
What this means is that right now, and for quite some time from now on, your body (and perhaps your mind) doesn’t know rationality.
It will try to propel you to try to get him back with desperate and irrational behaviours.
That’s the unfortunate reality in this game of how to make him want you back. And this is the first thing you need to be aware of.
This is what I meant when I said before that your emotional attachment to him is also your downfall.
Yes, it’s your downfall simply because it’s much harder to think straight.
Are You MORE Vulnerable To Low Value Behavior Right Now?
There’s nothing wrong with irrational behaviours fuelled by emotional attachment – if they’re grounded in true vulnerability.
But when you already have a history with your ex and he has already broken up with you, then acting irrationally and impulsively almost never pays off for you in the long-run.
So we want to avoid acting desperate and low value as much as possible, and instead nurture you to help you avoid that.
Otherwise you’ll fail at the most important step of getting him back:
Going no contact.
Because no matter how much your mind knows that the first step to making him want you back is that you need to go no contact, you’re going to be vulnerable to failing at that.
This also means that even though well-meaning friends and loved ones will tell you to spend time healing yourself or “focus on you”, you will always feel this ‘pull’ or even a ‘fight’ to revert to desperately clinging on to this guy.
At least in the first 2-4 weeks, when the breakup is still fresh.
After that time, you may begin to feel more capable of thinking logically and cleverly.
But you should always remember that your body is wired to try to get your ex boyfriend back in irrational and desperate ways in the beginning.
Why Is Your Body Wired To Act In Desperate Ways Initially?
Because desperate, low value behaviour is designed to serve you in the short-term.
Being clingy, as cringy as it might be, is designed for you to take great risks with little reward.
Your “lizard brain”, or even “evolution” wants you to try to appeal to your ex boyfriend’s emotions like guilt and a sense of obligation in order to bring him back quickly, whilst minimising your own pain.
But this is very toxic, and if your relationship had toxic currents running through it for some time already, then it could backfire on you – badly.
So it’s important for you to know that whilst these behaviours feel “necessary” in the initial period when you’re trying to work out how to make him want you back, they’ll also backfire on you.
If you want to salvage what you had with your ex boyfriend, just know that these impulsive, knee-jerk behaviors come at a huge cost.
But of course, what I’m telling you here is logical and rational. Too rational for your emotions at this stage, perhaps.
But that’s where we’re aiming to get to: a more rational and calibrated state.
I believe you can do it though, and that’s why I’m here, to help you!
Now that you know what the biggest challenge is in making him want you back let’s get into the ‘how to’.
How To Make Him Want You Back In 8 High Value Steps
Step #1: Show Him That You Accept The Breakup – For Now
Show him you accept the distance, the breakup or whatever it is that he has chosen, by leaving him be for now.
Yes, this is hard. Especially if you’re the type of woman who is already very vulnerable in life.
What do I mean by that?
I mean that it’s harder to do if you don’t have much real emotional support from the people around you.
Most people think of having friends or family to lean on when I say this, but sometimes that’s not even enough.
Sometimes friends and family aren’t emotionally close enough to you to make you feel supported.
But it’s not just about the people around you. I also mean if you have an anxious attachment style.
These factors will make step number 1 feel almost impossible.
But that’s also why you must succeed at step 1. This is the most important step in knowing how to make him want you back.
It’s necessary, not only for making him want you back badly, but also for your own emotional growth.
I remember the first time I had a breakup with a guy I loved.
I felt so vulnerable.
But that’s partially also because I had no one.
My parents didn’t care, or if they did, they didn’t really know how to emotionally comfort me, because I had such a poor quality connection with them.
But even when I spoke to my best friend at the time, she didn’t really want to offer her time to me for too long. She just didn’t really care.
It wasn’t her fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault really.
But I just didn’t have that support network around me and it left me wanting to cling on to my boyfriend for dear life.
Thankfully, I managed not to contact him and accepted the breakup for a while…but not for long enough.
(In the end it didn’t matter anyway, as I’m now married to the best guy in the world, but just for example’s sake).
The point is: the more lonely and unsupported you are in your life, the harder it is to show your guy that you accept the breakup and are happy to go no contact.
The less you feel you have, the more vulnerable you are to feeling desperate and therefore may act in low value ways.
On that note, throughout the process of making him want you back, it’s imperative you make sure that you don’t exhibit the 7 common signs a woman is low value in the eyes of all men.
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
The first step in making him want you back is showing him that you accept the breakup, the ghosting, the separation, whatever it is.
You need to do this, because if you fight hard against it right now, you’ll be coming from a place of fear and desperation.
And that’s not going to help you get him back.
So here’s what to do:
Calmly let him know that you understand his wants and his position, and show that you accept where he is at.
It’s as simple as saying: “I understand.”
Step #2: Now Determine Your Attachment Style
…Because this will help you get through step 3 and it will help you know what is best to do next.
Knowing your own attachment style will help you become hyper aware of your actions during this difficult time.
Additionally, it will help you manage your emotions and your typical patterns of behaving when you’re under stress and fear.
See, if you have an anxious attachment style, you’ll likely become consumed by worry and become unable to do normal, healthy things such as seek help, go to the gym, go to work, drive a car safely, or even eat or drink.
If you have a secure attachment style, you’ll have a much easier time managing all your emotions and behavior during this time.
Because your nervous system doesn’t go to 100% stress at breakneck speed when sensing any possible threats or danger to your efforts to get him back.
(Threats such as that new female friend of his or him taking a short trip to Mexico).
So, what I want you to do right now is go and take our free quiz to find out your core attachment style.
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
Step #3: Go No Contact
…Because this is usually what the dumper (most likely your boyfriend) wants, and is also what is best for you right now.
What is no contact?
It’s a popular, well-known term used to describe the period after a breakup where you cease all contact with your ex.
Usually to go radio silent during no contact for a minimum of 30 days.
If you can make it to 30 days, no contact will have its intended effect.
- No calling or texting him
- No accidentally bumping into him
- No contacting him through his family or mutual friends
- No walking by his house
- No cryptic social media messages that are aimed at getting his attention
- And no emailing
Here’s the thing:
When you’re a securely attached individual, it’s a more intuitive behavior to go no contact after a breakup, whether you initiated it or he did.
But when you’re anxiously attached, going no contact is infinitely harder.
This is why it’s imperative for you to figure out your attachment style and read our guide at the end of the quiz to understand yourself fully and make positive changes.
Anyway, going no contact will ensure that you clean the slate a little and allow feelings to be cleaned out from the past as well as from the breakup.
Obviously breakups happen for a reason, and usually they happen because too many negative associations have built up in the relationship or marriage.
As such, no contact will help deactivate the toxic cycle with your ex and allow you to grieve and focus on other things.
If you don’t allow yourself and your ex this time to grieve, you’ll likely go back to the same old patterns as you had before.
It also helps to build feelings of appreciation and lets you and your ex get clear on how much your relationship is actually worth to you both.
If you feel like you’ll struggle to pull through this as you’ve taken a hit to your confidence and self esteem after the breakup, check out our popular program “High Value Mindsets”.
(The promise of this program is to give you the ability to “trade in” your anxiety and insecurities for self esteem, self worth and intrinsic confidence, so that no one will ever take you for granted & high value men will recognise you as an indispensable “keeper”.)
Step #4: Build Your Value – All Men Want An Intrinsically Valuable Woman
There are no short-cuts to getting him back.
You might hear people say that you should make him jealous or look your best to make him see what he’s missing.
Some people say that if you get busy with your own life, he’ll come around.
None of that is the real deal though. It’s all just band-aid solutions.
Ultimately, no man wants to get back a woman who has no value for him.
So your job is to simply build your own intrinsic value as a woman.
When you’re a high value woman, lots of men will want you, and you’ll have plenty of options.
So how do you become an intrinsically valuable woman?
Focus on the three main areas of value. I talk about them in this article on the 6 Traits of a High Value Woman.
Also, here’s a video that explains what the intrinsically high value woman is:
Step #5: Reach Out And Apologise For Any Wrongs
How to make him want you back again?
Empathise with his pain. Whether on your own or through your actions, you will need to feel his pain.
This is likely the last (and only) chance you have to inspire your ex to trust you again if you have hurt him.
So try to capitalise on this chance. If you have done or said something that hurt him, then acknowledge that and apologise.
But that’s not enough to earn his trust again. Apologies are good but they don’t completely make things better.
In order to earn his trust, you’ll have to actually feel his pain.
If you can do that, he will begin to trust you again, slowly but surely.
Step #6: Feel And Send Appreciation For All The Good Things He Did In The Relationship
How to make him want you back?
Master the art of appreciation, and sincerely.
This will be difficult if you no longer see him, but if you cannot show him appreciation in person or send appreciation through a text, feel it yourself.
Masculine men want to feel appreciated, as they do have to work hard to earn respect and gain access to a woman in this world.
Your appreciation will make him feel more masculine and alive with you, which is a priceless gift you can offer him.
But what can you appreciate in him?
Well, every man has done something good at some point.
He may have been a drug addict or a thief, but there’s definitely something he did that was worthy of appreciation.
There has to be one moment in which his light shined.
Find that moment.
Was it a look he gave you?
Did he offer you a shoulder to cry on?
Was he often emotionally absent but inside was just trying to feel like he’s enough as a man?
Was it the intent to provide for you (or feel like a good provider) even though his actions were less than exemplary, that you could acknowledge?
Perhaps he couldn’t offer you the commitment he wanted but still brought you coffee or tea or sent you a good morning text.
Start with the smallest of things and appreciate the gesture.
At the end of the day, most decent men just want to do the right thing.
They may not be there for us in the way we wish they would, but perhaps your guy offered you value in some intangible way that is worthy of acknowledging.
Ideally, express the appreciation for him – with no strings attached.
This is why it’s important to feel it yourself without showing him as well. Just so that it’s genuine.
If you really want him back, he will likely value the fact that you’re appreciating him.
This act of appreciating him will also help you balance out your own anger and hurt a bit.
Sometimes we get a little too critical and forget that there were good things that happened.
Step #7: Find Common Ground To Connect With Him On
The final step in making him want you back is simply finding common ground with him.
Look for past positive memories that you can bring up, or perhaps just connect with something that is of importance to him in his life right now.
A lot of the time we just focus on what we want and we forget to slow down, breathe, and offer the gift of our desire to connect.
No man will want to get back with a woman whom he has no emotional connection with.
What’s the point?
Why would he commit his precious time, money, energy and a multitude of other resources to a woman who just wants to take from him?
So make connection your priority now, and do it with no strings attached.
Just be with the man.
Understand his current predicaments.
Even try to bring your sense of humour and playfulness to the table when he’s stressed.
This is where high value banter can help too, which brings us to the final tip on how to make him want you back…
Step #8: Engage in High Value Banter With Him
Masculine men in general relate to banter, as it’s how masculine men show each other that they care.
Men don’t generally sit down with each other to have long talks about their emotions or who did what.
Unless they thrive on drama and attention.
So, meet him where he’s at as a man and try out some high value banter. Here is a FREE class on high value banter. In it, you will receive free scripts and examples of banter lines you can use.
High value banter will also build emotional attraction, which is extremely important if you’re going to inspire him to fall in love with you again.
You may be wondering how banter helps him fall in love with you again?
It does so by bringing excitement and romantic tension to the table.
If you always connect over boring things or there’s not much excitement in your interactions, that makes the already difficult task of getting him back near impossible.
Granted, there’s a small group of men who will hate banter: but these are the toxic men of the world.
Banter is highly spontaneous and playful. Thus toxic, manipulative and narcissistic men do not appreciate it.
Quite frankly, the playfulness exposes them for who they really are: manipulators.
Men who cannot be present with you or even attune to you.
These are the toxic men that you should weed out! (CUE: 10 Seemingly Harmless Signs Of A Toxic Relationship.)
And if you discover that your ex doesn’t respond to bantering at all, then I’d really have to ask you: is it even worth knowing how to make him want you back?
Is he worth the energy when you could be dating an emotionally healthy, securely attached man who can offer you the world?
What If It’s Too Hard to Make Him Want You Back?
You may be thinking, well, that was a lot of steps. It’s really not though, because they all blend into each other.
And with a sincere approach, you can make almost any man want you back.
The only circumstance in which you can’t, is when the negative associations have already piled up so much that the relationship is unsalvageable.
Also, sometimes we stay too long in a relationship, even though deep down we feel it’s not right or that it’s bad for us.
In these situations, it’s also harder to make him want you back because the relationship is long past its shelf life.
But don’t fret, it’s ok.
If that’s really where you are both at, then the more important thing for you to do now is to just focus on grieving.
Once you grieve, you can relax that desire to make him want you back.
And in time, you may even find that you don’t actually need him back…you just need to find yourself again.
(If you want help with moving on from your ex and developing an unshakeable sense of self worth, I recommend our High Value Mindsets Program.)
CLICK here to gain the ability to “trade in” your anxiety and insecurities for self esteem, self worth and intrinsic confidence, so that no one will ever take you for granted & high value men will recognise you as an indispensable “keeper”.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you make a guy regret losing you?
There are many ways in which you can make a guy regret losing you.
But a lot of his feelings of regret depend on whether you had a quality relationship to begin with.
For example, if you guys were always unhappy together, if you were controlling, manipulative or took more value than you gave back, it will be harder for you to trigger feelings of regret in him.
Here are some ways to make him regret losing you:
- Get together with a new man who is high value. If you’re taken by a quality man, this indirectly raises your perceived value to your ex, and makes it more likely that you’ll trigger him to feel regret over losing you.
- Focus on building your value as a woman. Everyone can sense it when you’re a woman of value, but especially men, as they need to judge your value in order to make sure they invest in the right woman.
- Change your value-extracting habits and replace them with value-adding habits. Basically, clean up your act and be willing to offer intangible as well as tangible value. He will see that you’ve changed and start to see what he’s lost.
- Genuinely enjoy your life. Build that life that you truly love. Let go of the things that no longer serve you, get rid of toxic people or jobs and walk the path that makes your heart sing.
We are higher value when we live an authentic life. This is because life in general will feel less taxing, less fake and we will come back to our relationships with more resourcefulness.
For more on how to make a guy regret losing you, here are 8 Priceless Traits of The Kind of Girl Guys Regret Losing.
How do you win a guy’s heart back?
Embody the traits that will make him fall in love. If he falls in love with you, you will have his whole heart – to yourself.
And you’ll have it for life.
These two traits are:
- Your high value vulnerability; and
- Your ability to show up as a high value, high status woman.
How do I make him feel the spark again?
Build emotional attraction and emotional connection.
Without these two things, you’ve got nothing, and he won’t feel any spark with you.
For more on building attraction and connection, see the following articles:
How to Build Emotional Connection with A Man: Game Changer.
How to Create Emotional Attraction With Men & 5 Signs He Feels It.
Will letting go bring him back?
Not necessarily. He has to want YOU back, not the fact that you’re absent.
Contrary to popular belief, simply making yourself scarce doesn’t increase the chances of bringing a guy back (unless he perceives enough value in you in the first place).
Letting him go can allow him the space to miss you. However, you have to be worth missing in the first place.
At the end of the day, if he feels enough emotional attraction and emotional connection with you, he’ll want to come back, regardless of whether you let go of him or not.
Watch out though: just because he does come back doesn’t mean it’s for the right reasons.
You want to be sure he’s coming back because he’s in love with you and wants to build a future with you, and not because he wants your attention, or just to keep you around for convenience.
What to say to a man to get him back?
Whilst there’s no specific thing you can say to get him to come back, there are things you can say to him that might increase his attraction for you and feelings of connection with you.
But what you say really should depend on how the relationship ended.
For example, if you hate him or he hates you, that changes what you should say to get him back.
If he broke up with you, that also changes what you should say.
If you were the one who broke up with him, that changes things as well.
Not to mention, if one of you cheated on the other or badly hurt the other, that would leave a residue of feelings that you have to take into consideration before you work out what to say to get him back.
If you didn’t hurt or betray him, here’s what you can do.
There’s one thing you can say to him that will make you look high value, and that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say!
How to get him back after hurting his ego?
Show him that you respect him as a man. Specifically, show him that you respect:
- His masculine direction
- His decision making
- His hard work and effort, even if he fails at times
- The energy he puts into providing for you
- His ideas and beliefs, even if you don’t agree with them, you can respect where they come from and how they serve him.
How to make him come back fast?
The first step to making him come back fast is to realize and accept where he’s at.
If you don’t accept where he’s at, any action you take will stink of desperation and it will look like you’re trying to force him into doing what you want him to do.
Secondly, if you want to speed up the process, then you need to say (or text) something to him that will steal his attention and make him focused on you.
To make him come back fast, I recommend you say two specific words to him:
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.
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