Table of Contents Hide
- It’s A Good Thing If You Want To Test A Man…
- How To Test Him: Use The Having A Bad Day Test.
- How To Test My Potential Boyfriend?
- Don’t Get Sucked In By Men Who CHASE You
- Commonly Asked Questions
How can you test him to see if he cares about you?
Knowing how to test a guy is imperative when you’re dating, and here’s why:
Because it is during the beginning stages (or the dating stages) that men and women have to pass each other’s tests.
These tests are vital to the health of the relationship. Without testing, the relationship cannot be on strong footing.
But more than that – testing reveals our true value as a man or woman.
In fact, in the early stages, everything is a test of our value! (Man or woman.)
This is because a potential mate or partner has to prove to be worthy of your time, effort and energy.
In the beginning, you haven’t overcome enough obstacles together yet, and you haven’t fully proven your value to each other yet.
It is natural to suss each other out and to prove your value to each other.
Without tests, you would never know if the other person is worth your investment or not.
In fact, most women don’t test enough! (Here’s how to tell what a guy wants from you.)
This may seem like I’m saying that dating is a game.
Well, it is. It’s actually the love game.
And the love game is nature’s only game, according to some experts on love, like Helen Fisher.
But don’t see this as something to worry about. It’s really not as bad as you think. Just see it as a new piece of information and let it sit with you for a bit.
It’s A Good Thing If You Want To Test A Man…
Just quickly before we get into how to test a guy to see if he really loves you, I need to get something out of the way:
Testing is NOT a bad thing.
It’s actually a good thing if you want to test him to see if he cares.
It’s also a good thing if you want to know how to test him to see if he loves you.
This is because for serious relationship to be worth your time, he has to pass basic tests. As a woman, you’re more vulnerable to getting attached quickly and catching deep feelings.
So you want to avoid getting attached to the wrong guy.
Whether he’s your boyfriend already or is just a new date, there’s likely a good reason why you want to test him.
As long as you test in the right way. I want to be clear – I am not advocating for anyone to be toxic or manipulative.
That’s not ok.
I’m advocating for you to be smart, knowing that most people don’t have your best interests in mind.
By the way, for more on testing a man, here are 5 Revealing Questions to Ask Him To Know His Intentions.
I will first teach you how to test your boyfriend. This will help you if you’re already in a relationship.
And then, I will show you how to test him in dating, before he is your boyfriend.
There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.
How To Test Him: Use The Having A Bad Day Test.
One solution to the problem of how to test him to see if he cares, is to use the “having a bad day” test.
You tell the guy when you’re feeling unwell, down or having a bad day. And then you ask for his company.
The point of this is to take any sexy talk (or even the act of sex) out of the picture, and see if he’s willing to offer the gift of his emotional presence and company.
Emotional energy and presence is one of the hardest things for a man to offer a woman. Especially for men who aren’t serious about you, and the ones who only want one thing: sexual access to you.
Does he have to come over to your house to pass the test? Or even spend time with you in person?
No, he doesn’t.
To pass the test, all he needs to do is give you the indication that he’s willing to give his presence and company (or even advice if you need it), and then follow through with it.
You guys could talk about your bad day over a phone call, video chat, or at your house (if you guys are at that stage).
Yes, this means that you can use this test even if you are in a long distance relationship.
The bottom line is, if he’s willing to offer his time, presence, company and a listening ear, then that’s a good sign that he cares.
By the way, if you want to test how “commitment-friendly” your man is, you can take our super quick and easy quiz:
Here’s a LIVE Q & A my husband David and I did on “How to Test His Intentions: The 5 Stages of Testing A Man“…
Is He Serious About You Or Just Keeping You Around?
A man who isn’t serious about you will not pass this “having a bad day” test.
A man who just wants sex, approval, attention or validation will not pass this test, either.
We all know that actions speak louder than words. But how will he show it if he doesn’t actually care about you?
Moreover, how will his actions show that he’s not really serious about you?
His actions will tell you he doesn’t care when it’s clear that he does not actually give a damn about what’s bothering you.
A man who doesn’t care about you will not care to meet you where you are at emotionally.
The key word here is attunement.
A man who won’t attune to how you’re feeling probably doesn’t care and isn’t invested.
Conversely, a man who consistently attunes to you emotionally likely cares deeply about you.
So if you’re having a bad day because you’re feeling under the weather, or because something horrible happened at work, and he does NOT show that he’s willing to be on the same emotional page as you, then he doesn’t pass the test.
One of the signs he cares deeply about you is that he has empathy for you, or he is willing to at least try to have empathy for you.
(See: not all men are inherently skilled at understanding a woman’s emotions, because they are men and their experience of the world is different to ours. So we have to respect that too, and have some patience.)
A man who cares about you, will have empathy for you. A man who doesn’t will find it very hard to give you empathy. In fact, he may actively avoid it.
The best he could do would be to try to fake it.
QUIZ TIME: Anxious, avoidant or secure attachment patterns? Which one do I have? CLICK HERE to find out with our specially crafted women-specific 10 Question Quiz! (Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
How To Execute The “Bad Day” Test…
So how can you accomplish this test in action?
Tell him you’re not feeling 100% for whatever reason.
It could be due to a bad work day, an injury, or even illness.
Tell him you just need to share what’s going on, what happened and ask him kindly if he will listen.
You can also invite him to call you, talk with you or come to your house to just connect with you or be with you (without any sex involved).
Make sure it’s clear that this is about your bad day and not about sex.
Our goal here is to take sex out of the picture and see how he responds.
If you’re still unsure whether this guy is actually wanting a relationship with you, I recommend you read my article on the 6 Burning Signs He Doesn’t Want A Relationship With You.
This test is best executed when it’s genuine. In other words, when you really are under the weather or something bad has happened.
When you’ve executed the test, ask yourself:
Did he show genuine concern?
Did you feel like he’s one with you? Regardless of his own responsibilities.
This Test Won’t Work In This Scenario…
Disclaimer: If you are the kind of woman who has abused her boyfriend in the past, this test will be harder for you to accomplish.
It will also be harder for him to “pass” the test.
Women who repeatedly take, take and take value from a man will eventually wear down any feelings of connection and attraction he has for her.
Can you guess what happens when the attraction and connection wears down?
The man will value you and the relationship less. The relationship inevitably breaks down.
If you want to know how to keep your relationships passionate and remain “tight” with a man for the long term, I recommend you check out these 5 must follow guidelines for dating and relationships for women.
So, this test isn’t meant to be another excuse to kind of “abuse” a guy. It’s an innocent test that every woman should use, if she actually cares for him, and wants to take her relationship with a guy to the next level.
Let’s explore more solutions to the question of how to test him to see if he cares.
How To Test My Potential Boyfriend?
Here’s how you test your potential boyfriend…use the banter test. Specifically, high value banter.
My hubby and I wrote a definitive guide on How To Banter. (This article will teach you exactly why learning banter is imperative for you as a woman. It will save you a lot of heartache and wasted time with the wrong men!)
How to use the banter test:
You text him some playful line that inspires him to engage with you playfully as well. It doesn’t just have to be playful, because the real banter test is in the curveballs.
Here’s an example you can use on your potential boyfriend:
You: “Do you know what I love about you?”
Him: “what do you love about me?”
You: “absolutely nothing! [insert playful emoji here].”
Why are you sending this? You may wonder.
You are not sending it to insult him, but rather, to test his self esteem and toxicity level.
If he plays along with you, then not only have you got some high value banter going (and that builds emotional attraction), but the chances are very high that he’s an emotionally healthy, high value man.
Here’s an example of what it looks like to “play along” with you (this example is more from before the first date, but it serves as a great example of a high value guy).
Thanks to our member Alena for sharing this example. The guy she’s bantering with is in the yellow:
See how he’s willing to engage with her?
Toxic men get defensive, angry and even go so far as to insult a woman (because they’re incapable of playfulness).
Banter allows you to see how serious he is about engaging with you and connecting with you.
Men who only want your body will not put too much effort into connecting.
Here is another example of high value banter. Our member (the lovely lady) is in the blue:
If you are unsure how emotionally healthy and esteemed your guy is, here’s one phrase you can say to him that will capture his attention and make him hang onto every word you say.
(if he passes this test, it’s a great sign that he’s worth your time).
Also, if you currently feel like your guy is pulling away and doesn’t care about you, you can use text the same one phrase to him.(This one word phrase will test him to see if he’s willing to show up for you.)
Now, more on high value banter…
If you want clear-cut examples of high value banter that you can copy and paste, get them now from my wonderful husband’s FREE High value banter class here.
Here Is Why High Value Banter Works To Test Him
It shows you whether he’s a high value man who wants to connect with you, or whether he’s going to be a toxic, abusive man that you need to avoid.
How does banter achieve this?
Primarily through introducing moments of spontaneity. Through spontaneity, you get to:
- Reveal the “lesser” men who are operating from their same old pickup game; and
- You get to reveal the toxic, manipulative men for their abusive intentions. This is because these types of men cannot actually engage with spontaneity and playfulness. It’s the antithesis of toxic abuse, you see!
So, playful banter achieves the purpose of testing men to see if they care, even in the dating stages.
If a man is willing to spend time bantering with you, then he’s not likely to be the kind of man who is just looking for just any easy women who will give him sex.
Of course we aren’t asking for a new man you’ve just started speaking to, to really care deeply about you. Because you’re essentially strangers to begin with.
What we are doing, is testing men to see if they care about connection. This is so crucial.
Why Test Him To See If He Cares To Connect?
In online dating and real life dating, it’s essential for you to quickly figure out if his intent is to connect or not.
Let me explain simply.
A man who isn’t here to connect will just waste your precious time.
High value banter is a way of communicating with men online and in person.
It is designed specifically for you to form a real connection with the right, high quality men whilst repelling and eliminating the low value men quickly.
Now, a man not responding to your high value banter is a definite red flag.
If he cannot pass the test dished out by you through banter, he’s a bad egg.
The reason for this is that men who don’t respond (or at least try to) respond to your banter are not there to connect with you. Period.
And remember what you’re dating for?
That’s right! To make a real connection.
We’re not doing it to pass the time or to fumble around in the dark, all the while tolerating abusive behaviour from men.
We’re doing it to form a solid sense of emotional connection with a man that will lead to you forming a lifelong, passionate committed relationship with him!
And Here’s an article on the 7 Signs A Man Is Being Low Value.
You see, every low value man, and every abusive or narcissistic man has a typical pattern through which they date women.
They have somewhat of a manipulative, uncalibrated habitual “script” that they go by in order to “suck in” the women who may be feeling desperate.
So I recommend you try out playful banter.
If they respond positively, they are a high value man.
If they respond negatively, then thank your lucky stars that you dodged that bullet!
If they care to continue the conversation and banter along with you, that’s a sign that they value attunement. And that is absolutely priceless for you.
If you’re interested in using high value banter, I have good news: we have a FREE class on it!
CLICK here to discover why you as a woman need to use the dark art of “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”! (…Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you’ve encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
Don’t know what the dark feminine art of “High Value Banter” is? CLICK to find out.
Don’t Get Sucked In By Men Who CHASE You
Now that you know how to test a guy before dating him, we need to distinguish between a man chasing you and a man valuing you.
You see, a man chasing you and a man valuing you are very different things.
A lot of women assume that if a man chases them, that this must mean that he cares.
Just because a man chases you or gives you attention, doesn’t mean that he cares, or that he wants to know your soul.
Men chase you for many reasons. A lot of them can be bad reasons. I cover this in my article “How To Make Him Chase You & Value You: High Value Women Secrets.”
Sometimes, men will chase just in order to not lose you.
But that doesn’t mean he values you!
You don’t want a guy who just hangs around in your life. That’s nothing but a situationship.
You don’t want a guy who just simply chases you when you pull back or contact him less.
You want a man who values you.
Remember that when a man chases you, he could be doing it to take something from you.
On the other hand, if he actually values you, he will want to know your soul.
He’ll want to devote every last inch of himself to you, forever.
This devotion is only reserved for the ‘one and only’ woman, however.
And only one woman can be in any man’s ‘one and only’ basket.
Conversely, hundreds of women could be in the ‘one of many’ basket. And none of them get his real emotional commitment and loyalty.
They get crumbs.
So here’s something you should always remember:
Men will give everything to their ‘one and only’ woman, and give crumbs to their ‘one of many’ woman.
This is because men place women into two categories when they meet them. The category of the one and only, or the one of many.
If you’d like to learn more about becoming his one and only woman (or to see if you’re his one and only or not), CLICK HERE to check out my brand new program, “Becoming His One and Only”. (The promise of this course is for you to have your chosen man fall in love with you & beg you to be his one & only by embodying these 5 feminine secrets, even if he’s been distant, avoidant, or losing interest…)
Commonly Asked Questions
How do you test if he is the one?
Testing whether he is the one is easy.
Use my ‘having a bad day’ test. If he cares about your feelings beyond sex, and if he’s willing to offer all of the following, then he’s likely the one for you:
- His time
- His empathy
- His companionship without sex
- If he’s on your side in your life’s battles; and
- If he wants to solve all of your life problems
Then he’s the one. But in all honesty, even if a guy does all of the above, whether he’s truly the one depends also on how you feel about him.
It is NOT enough to look at what he does for you.
It’s imperative to consider how much you also love him. If you’re not in love with him as well, then it’s not going to work long term.
Because you won’t be truly happy long term. You’ll look elsewhere, perhaps cheat on him, and ruin everything you’ve built together in the process.
This is also one reason why I teach that it’s not ideal to simply pick a guy who loves you more than you love him.
How do you know if a guy is genuine?
If a guy is genuine, then:
- You’ll be able to throw him curveballs without him getting defensive.
- He’ll be attuned to your feelings
- He won’t freak out when the topic of marriage or long term commitment comes up; and
- He’ll try to assuage your fears and pain, rather than magnifying your fears and pain
How do you tell if a man loves you but is scared?
The best way to tell is if you sense him trying. Trying to what?
- Trying to make you feel happy
- Trying to understand you
- Trying to listen and care by making eye contact and bonding with you
- Trying to be there for you even if he’s an especially awkward guy
- Trying to show you how he’s learning to commit to you more
- Trying to show you that he’s committed, even though intimacy scares him (in this case, he’s likely got an avoidant attachment style).
Remember though, that when a man is genuinely in love, many of his fears will take a backseat, as he will be euphoric and want to solidify his bond with you.
He will want to pair bond with you and make a life with you, and this will be at least reasonably clear through his actions.
If you want to learn more about the signs a guy likes you but is scared, check these 14 Shocking Reasons Why Guys Act Distant When They Like You.
That’s all for this article. I hope you enjoyed reading it and that you got lots of value from it.
May I ask whether you have any methods for testing a man that you could share with us? If you do, share them in the comments below!
We learn best from each other, so I’d appreciate any extra tests you could share!
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.
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