Table of Contents Hide
- Key Takeaways
- As A Woman, You Naturally Desire Secure Emotional Attachment
- How Do You Test A Man?
- What Does Ghosting Someone Mean?
- Why Do Men Ghost Good Women?
- 1: Communicating To You Would Cost Too Much Energy & Time
- 2: You Were Not His “One And Only”
- 3: The Relationship Was Too “Value-Sucking”
- 4: The Emotional Attachment Wasn’t There
- 5: There Was A Lack of Emotional Attraction And Emotional Connection
- 6: He Decided To Pursue Other Women Or Interests
- 7: He Has An Avoidant Attachment Style
- If You’re Feeling Hurt When A guy Ghosts You, Remember This:
- How To Tell If Someone Is Ghosting You
- What To Text After Being Ghosted
- How To Get Over Someone Ghosting You: Here’s How To Get Closure
Why do men ghost? Is it that hard to be a decent human?
There has to be some actual reason why men ghost women, right? Why would he disrespect you, or cause you that much pain, out of nowhere?
In this article, we answer the question of why guys ghost, as well as give your pain a purpose.
And I say give your pain a purpose, because if this man or your interactions with him mattered to you at all, there’s going to be some hurt, anger and disappointment for you to process through.
Even if it’s not just anger about him – but moreso about pent up anger from past experiences of being abandoned by men.
I mean, how can a man show so much interest in you, and then go ghost?
How could he even imply or boldly claim that he likes you, invite you out to dinner, and then completely disappear?
Some men are even more brazen than others. They’ll say that they see some kind of future with you, only to turn around, disappear and never speak a word to you again.
I can remember the feeling of being ghosted. Not just by a guy, but by a friend.
I remember the hurt, the confusion and the anger I felt. Why couldn’t they have just communicated something?
Was it really that hard?
In one case, before I found my husband (when I was quite young), one guy ghosted me completely and then years later, he came back.
So, I get it. Being ghosted is rude and hurtful. But it’s important to realize that ghosting someone is not just about men ghosting women.
Women ghost men, too.
Friends ghost friends. Family can also ghost other family members.
- As a woman you have an innate bias for emotional attachment to a man, but men don’t share this bias.
- In order to protect yourself from being ghosted (especially when using a dating app, you need to test men’s intentions (one good way to test ist using high value banter).
- The reasons why men ghost women include: refusal to have a difficult conversation, he felt no emotional attachment, and because he decided to pursue other women.
Did you know that there’s ONE specific emotional trigger within every masculine man that inspires him to want to emotionally commit to you?
As A Woman, You Naturally Desire Secure Emotional Attachment
I want to emphasise one thing quickly.
And that is that as a woman dating men, you naturally desire secure emotional attachment.
Unless you’re in a stage of life where you prefer to sleep with a man and then see him disappear without a trace.
(In my time coaching women, I’ve seen a tiny percentage of women who claim to genuinely prefer this. Although I have my doubts when women say this, I still trust that there are women who are in a particular stage of life where this is preferred.)
You may not be consciously aware of how much this desire to be attached to a man drives you when dating guys, but it’s there.
Some women prefer to push this desire down or pretend it’s not there, as it makes them feel too vulnerable.
But if you are a naturally feminine soul, then even if you have an anxious attachment style or an anxious-avoidant attachment style, you still seek out that feeling of emotional bonding.
In other words, you want a serious commitment from a man.
That’s your equilibrium most of the time. Especially with a man of value.
This means that somewhere down the line, you will have an intense emotional response to being ghosted.
This might be an intense anger response or a hurt response to a man ghosting you.
I’m bringing this up because it’s important for you to be aware of your own equilibrium as a woman. Sometimes we prefer denial over feeling our pain, which I completely understand and respect.
But I also understand that pain needs to be processed, otherwise it trips us up later down the line.
When you’re aware of this, you can enter the dating market, or the online dating market in the future knowing that you have this bias.
And when you know you have this bias, it becomes easier to take the right steps to protect yourself.
There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report. (Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or
Your Feminine Bias Of Attaching Emotionally….Early
If you have a feminine core and are primarily identified with the feminine energy, then your ‘home’ will be in emotionally attaching. To almost everything.
As such, it’s hard to let go.
It’s hard to let go of many things in your life.
For men who have a masculine core, it’s pretty easy to let go. Of many things.
The only scenario in which it’s hard for him to let go is if the man formed a deep emotional attachment to the woman.
And to get a man to form that kind of attachment to you, you have to be his one and only woman – not the one of many! (and show up that way from the beginning).
Otherwise, he could shower you with attention and interest, make love to you and praise you until the cows come home. And still suddenly disappear.
All because he was never attached emotionally.
And more important than ever as a woman, try to remember that since you have this bias, it’s important to make sure that you test men enough!
We test men so that we don’t get stuck investing in the kind of man who would just ghost you.
Aside from testing, it’s important to remember that your feminine bias for early attachment isn’t wrong, it’s normal.
It’s just that most women use this early attachment in a bad way, and end up pushing guys away from them.
The key is to know how to use your feminine bias for early attachment to to create deeper attraction with men and inspire a deeper commitment from him without you looking needy and low value. CLICK HERE to find out how to do that.
How Do You Test A Man?
In online dating, there’s no better test than high value banter. If a man doesn’t respond to your high value banter, it’s a red flag.
Even if you’re dating in the flesh, bantering is a great skill to have that helps you test men. I wrote a guide on how to banter here.
CLICK here to discover how online dating has completely changed and why you as a woman need to use “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men online and create emotional attraction with the “BEST of MEN”!
(…Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you’ve encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
(My man David runs this free class and I highly recommend you listen to it.)
Why Men Ghost Women: Your Bias Versus HIS Bias In Dating…
Due to a woman’s bias is to attach early, women often mistakenly assume that a guy must also share that same desire to attach and to seek out a serious relationship.
Sadly, that’s not always the case.
Men don’t have that same bias in dating.
That being said, men do often come on strong, and this plays right into a woman’s tendency to assume a man is seeking out the exact same thing as she is.
But them coming on strong doesn’t always mean they want you, your soul.
When men come on strong, they want either one of two things.
They want your for your body, or they genuinely want a serious relationship with you.
How do you tell the difference? You need to test. Here are 3 Reasons You Should Worry If He Comes On Strong.
Don’t assume that men will look out for your heart the way you would. They’ll only do that when they’re in love with you, and invested in you.
Men can also keep you around for 10 hours, 10 days, or 10 years, and never have that feeling of emotional attachment to you!
Unless You Do This, You Will ALWAYS Get Ghosted Online!
If you met this man who ghosted you online, then you really need to be aware that unless you approach the online dating game with the right strategy, you will almost always end up getting ghosted by men online.
Dating apps are highly valuable to you as a woman. They give you access to tonnes of options that you wouldn’t have had many years ago. But this style of is not to be taken lightly.
It is to be taken seriously if you don’t want to get your heart broken or damage your emotional health.
You cannot just float along, hoping that through the graveyard that is most online conversations, you will somehow inspire a guy to connect emotionally with you.
If you don’t have the right mindset and approach to online dating, you will pay dearly with your sanity, your innocence and your trust in the world.
Don’t let online dating leave you burned and jaded! You’re a woman and your heart is worth more than that.
The only way to do online dating right is to go into it with the right mindset:
The mindset to eliminate the men who aren’t interested in connecting with you, and to quickly form a connection with the men who want to find you and connect with you!
The way to do that is with high value banter. High value banter weeds out the men who won’t be interested in connecting with you.
Because the playfulness of banter introduces spontaneity into your interactions, requiring him to care to connect with you in order to engage in the banter.
And this brings the truth of a man’s intent to the surface quickly.
Now let’s talk about what ghosting someone actually means…
What Does Ghosting Someone Mean?
Ghosting is different to pulling away.
Ghosting someone is the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.
My husband, who has written an even better article on the 3 Obvious Reasons Why Men Ghost Women, defined ghosting as:
“The act of not contacting you, even though you know for certain they’ve had plenty of opportunities to do so.”
Here’s a great video by my incredible husband that explains the 3 Obvious Reasons Why Guys Ghost Women Online…
For the sake of you getting some emotional closure and comfort on the matter, here are the answers to the question “why do men ghost women?”
Why Do Men Ghost Good Women?
First of all, whether men end up ghosting you or not has nothing to do with how “good” of a woman you are.
Goodness isn’t it.
Instead, it has everything to do with the value you show up with, and the emotional connection you and a man had together.
Plenty of good hearted women (and even super hot women) get left in the dust by men every day.
The same is true of good hearted men. Plenty of good, genuine men get left, abandoned, ghosted and cheated on every day.
So this is definitely not about you being good hearted.
It’s simply about what makes guys ghost you.
So let’s get into the reasons now. (Some women wonder if these reasons apply for all men, even older men.)
The answer is yes.
These three answers are the same reasons why older men ghost in a relationship.
1: Communicating To You Would Cost Too Much Energy & Time
The most obvious reason why men ghost women, is that taking the step to tell you he is not interested, or doesn’t want a relationship with you, would cost him too much energy and time.
It would cost him energy and time that he’d rather conserve to himself. Why force yourself to deal with such an awkward situation? That is the thinking of some men.
It would cost him energy that could easily be taken elsewhere – energy and time that he felt wasn’t worth the risk.
The risk of what?
Of confrontation, and of simply having to spend more energy when he doesn’t want to.
For some men, being able to avoid confrontation is important. These men may not be comfortable with confrontation altogether.
But this is different from the men who simply want to avoid spending more energy on a woman they do longer wants to date.
Here’s a little uncomfortable truth:
Every relationship a man invests in, requires lots of energy. Especially if the relationship is with a woman.
At the risk of being attacked, I’ll say that sometimes, men just don’t want to deal with women’s desire to attach. They know it brings lots of emotions into the picture that they don’t want to deal with!
They sense our attachment, and want to avoid bring responsible for ‘meeting’ that attachment because it requires a serious commitment.
Guys know that if they take a leap to communicate with a woman, then he’d be dragging himself into some drama he doesn’t want to deal with.
This is not your fault. Remember that. This is about what men go through.
So if instead a guy ghosts you, he can just leave you (and the other people around you) to take the brunt of the blow.
Lovely isn’t it?
It might be of comfort to you to hear that ghosting is the worst way to end a relationship (not just for the person being ghosted), but for the ghoster!
Because it leads to bigger confrontations down the line.
You may think that getting ghosted is just about the “ghoster” being afraid of confrontation, and it can be. But that’s simply not always the case.
Often, it’s just that they don’t want to invest in dealing with the inevitable emotion that comes up within you.
They know and sense that you’re more attached than they are, and they just cannot and do not want to invest in dealing with that.
Sure, you might be a calm and collected woman who hasn’t caused him any trouble so far. That’s besides the point. They (men) know what they’re doing.
They know they don’t want to get invested.
And they know that even if you’ve acted like an angel so far, that them not wanting to talk to you anymore will inevitably cause some kind of emotion within you.
So not only will they have to face your emotion if they “have a talk” with you about not wanting to be with you; they may also have to face feelings of guilt that they’re not ready to face.
Why Couldn’t He Have Communicated Something?
Why does communication take men so much effort?
First of all, in a general sense (yes this is a generalisation), men aren’t as focused on their relationships as women are.
They get a lot of their feelings of self worth and fulfilment through avenues that fulfil their masculine identity.
Things that challenge them and speak to their own biases as masculine men. I discuss this more in my article on Why Men Pull Away & How To Deal With It As A High Value Woman.
Regarding why men don’t “communicate” more, research shows that on average, women use 10,000 words a day.
Whereas men use on average two or three thousand words a day. That’s a sizeable difference, don’t you think?
But this is not just about the number of words used by men or women.
It can feel like a burden for many men to use their words to converse with you for the sake of just bonding. Full stop.
Let alone converse with you in a difficult and painful conversation about why he is no longer interested.
2: You Were Not His “One And Only”
Men would only invest their all in you when you’re the one & only woman.
This is one important revelation on why guys ghost: it’s because they just don’t tend to invest emotionally in women they don’t see as the one and only.
When men meet women, they place them in one of only two baskets.
- The “one and only” basket; or
- The “one of many” basket
So, men would only go all in with their investment in the relationship with you as a woman if you were the one and only.
When you’re the one and only, they’ll give you absolutely everything.
However, if you’re a woman who is in his ‘one of many’ basket, then it’s much easier for him to ghost you. It’s also much easier for men to ghost and come back, yet never commit.
If you’d like to ensure that you’re always in. man’s “one and only” basket, I recommend my online course “Becoming His One And Only”.
(The promise of this course is for you to have your chosen man fall in love with you & beg you to be his one & only by embodying these 5 feminine secrets, even if he’s been distant, avoidant, or losing interest…)
Interestingly, for most men, sitting down to send you a text about him not wanting to talk to or see you anymore, would take more value from his life.
This is especially true if the nature of your relationship (before he ghosted you) was already value extracting in his life, which brings us to the third reason why guys ghost.
3: The Relationship Was Too “Value-Sucking”
What happens inside of you when you’re in a relationship with someone who takes far more than they give?
You might start to feel exhausted, sad, angry or just done with the person in general.
When things get too bad altogether and the person gets sick of it, they may ghost. Even if they were in a long term relationship with that person.
Here’s the truth:
Men won’t spend extra energy on women who they perceive aren’t worth their time and energy.
What kinds of women aren’t worth their energy and time?
Well, have a think. What kinds of men aren’t worth your energy and time?
Men who take too much value without giving any back.
As a woman, you’d probably never ghost a man who you knew had long-term value in your life.
The same goes for men…if he doesn’t see long-term value, why would he invest anything at all in the relationship with you?
It’s physically and mentally tiring.
It’s easy to become the person who takes too much – some people weren’t raised with the best ideas on how to ‘do’ relationships.
Worse still, some women are simply entitled. And this entitlement mentality pushes men away.
If you would like to change your dating experiences with men from negative ones into positive ones, I recommend you check out our course “High Value Mindsets”. It’s one of our most popular programs.
(The promise of this program is to give you the ability to “trade in” your anxiety and insecurities for self esteem, self worth and intrinsic confidence, so that no one will ever take you for granted & high value men will recognise you as an indispensable “keeper”.)
4: The Emotional Attachment Wasn’t There
If a man never formed any emotional attachment to you, it will be very easy for him to ghost you.
This includes if he’s had sex with you, taken you out to dinner, or simply had some conversations with you online.
This reason really isn’t your fault. In fact, it’s nobody’s fault.
Let me put this into context. Because we currently live in an era where ghosting is so easy to do.
Many many years ago, humans lived in tribes where we knew everyone. Everyone knew everyone else. The tribe worked together, and everyone had their “place”.
Nowadays, we mostly live in fragmented societies!
What this means for you is that in order to connect with anybody long term at all (even friends), we must have formed an outstanding level of connection and attachment with them.
This connection leads to emotional intimacy and ultimately, an attachment that makes it hard for a man to just disappear into thin air.
That’s one of the things that will keep a man tethered to you. It’s by no means the thing. But it’s still a crucial ingredient.
5: There Was A Lack of Emotional Attraction And Emotional Connection
In the case of dating or a romantic relationship with a man, you would have to have formed a high level of attraction and connection with him.
“High level” meaning, at least a 7-8 out of 10.
Without these two ingredients of emotional connection and emotional attraction, you really have nothing. Nothing but a half relationship or an imaginary relationship.
So as I mentioned in the second reason why men ghost, the way to mitigate this problem is to show up as the one and only from the start.
When you show up as the one and only woman, you will more likely stay in the ‘one and only’ woman basket, and have a deep sense of security that he won’t leave you.
In fact, I know from experience that you won’t even be able to get rid of him if you tried. And that’s the level of emotional commitment that I want you to experience with a man.
That type of security that a man loves you that much is exactly what you deserve and I want you steer you on the right path to getting that as soon as is humanly possible:
This is why I made a whole program on this topic, called “Becoming His One and Only”. The promise of this program is to give you 5 secrets to have your chosen man fall madly in love with you, and beg you to be his one and only woman.”
6: He Decided To Pursue Other Women Or Interests
We all have endless perceived options in this day and age. That’s no secret.
And distractions are everywhere.
But the fact that we have endless options doesn’t mean we have more value available to us.
Most ‘options’ in the dating market out there aren’t worth much for a man or a woman.
This isn’t about your worth. This is about perceived value for every individual man or woman out there in the dating world.
Most options are nothing but a distraction that never really stand out among the sea of possible mating partners.
So, do you want to show up as a distraction, or moreso as future wife material?
Only the person we form a soul-to-soul connection with will be worth sticking around for and committing to.
And remember, women ghost men too!
Here’s another inconvenient truth:
If the relationship or the interactions between you and a man didn’t have enough emotional connection, then it wouldn’t be worth his time.
Men’s emotional investment and loyalty will go to the woman he has the most emotional connection and emotional attraction with.
Men will gravitate towards women of value to men.
CLICK HERE to discover the ONE PHRASE you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say! (Works like magic in a high vale non-needy way!)
7: He Has An Avoidant Attachment Style
Sometimes guys ghost you because they are insecurely attached. Specifically, they have what is called an avoidant attachment style.
A lot of people throw around the word “avoidant” these days and whilst it’s good that people are putting a descriptor on hurtful behavior, they often equate avoidant behavior with avoidant attachment style.
Just because a man avoids you, doesn’t mean he’s necessarily a man with an avoidant attachment style.
So as long as you understand that distinction, it should be easier for you to work out whether the guy who ghosted you had an avoidant attachment style.
Some signs of avoidant attachment include:
- Ghosting you and coming back
- A general lack of warmth when he interacts with you
- Robotic, stiff behavior (even in the bedroom)
- A lack of vulnerability
If you’d like to know your own core attachment style, you can find out with our FREE quiz!
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
If You’re Feeling Hurt When A guy Ghosts You, Remember This:
Cream always rises.
Meaning, if you’re a woman of value to men, you’ll easily have high value men pining for you and wanting to keep you in their lives.
On the other hand, if the woman doesn’t have much value in his life, there’s plenty of other things to do in life that would fulfil him more.
Otherwise, any woman he speaks to might as well be a ‘one of many’ woman. Someone he has fun with, but has zero loyalty to.
Some Guys Ghost Because They Play THIS Game
What game do most men play on dating apps? the Numbers Game…
This is an uncomfortable truth, but if you’re dating online, one thing you must remember is this:
It is that most men have no real choice other than to play what is called ‘the numbers game’.
If you’re wondering how many women the average man talks to on dating apps, here’s the answer.
So if a guy is talking to several other women, he would drop the women with whom he’s having boring and uninspiring conversations with, and gravitate towards the exciting conversations.
The same is true as a woman, right?
If you have options, why invest in the boring men, or the conversations that are full of mind-numbing small talk?
A man’s energy and time will be spent pursuing the women who made him realize her value quickly.
Otherwise, they will invest their valuable time and energy elsewhere.
Again, the same goes for women. Your investment and time will go towards the man who has the most value to you.
By the way, if you’re dating online, I recommend you read this helpful article on the 5 Most Common Mistakes Women Make In Online Dating.
There are 7 common signs a woman is perceived as low value to all men, because men simply perceive value differently to women. Do you know what these signs are and how to avoid them like the plague? CLICK HERE to download this special report.
How To Tell If Someone Is Ghosting You
So how can you tell if you’re definitely being ghosted or not?
First of all, a man ghosting you is different from a man just pulling away. Most men will pull away at some point, and that is normal.
Be that as it may, a man who cares for you, is invested in you, and sees you as his one and only, would never. EVER. Ghost you.
Second of all, the way to tell if someone is ghosting you or not is – surprisingly, to test them!
Another way to know how to tell if someone is ghosting you, is to simply give yourself time to feel.
With time, you’ll find that all your emotions come up, and as you feel more, you’ll get to a point where the answers reveal themselves, without you having to try too hard.
Time and feeling is one of the best tests for whether someone is abandoning you or not.
What To Text After Being Ghosted
If you want to test him, send him this text message.
(This particular text message is also one of the best ghosting responses you could use, because it ensures that you don’t look low value whilst saying it.)
If you prefer not to text him or engage with him at all, that’s fine.
How To Get Over Someone Ghosting You: Here’s How To Get Closure
If it’s any consolation, just remember this:
They are the ones doing the avoiding. Not you.
So it’s not like men always get to walk away without any baggage or remorse.
It’s not as though such behavior always comes without consequences, although it feels that way to you. Sometimes the consequences just don’t obviously present themselves.
In fact, this study from the 1970s shows that the act of avoidance and/or ghosting, costs the ghost more in the long run.
This is because the person being ghosted often doesn’t like that lingering feeling and identity of having been “the one that got broken up with”.
This lingering, unresolved feeling can often lead them to deliberately seek out a confrontation in person.
Such a confrontation will cause the ghoster to have to face their actions.
Not only that, but even if the ghoster doesn’t have to deal with a physical confrontation with the person that they ghosted, they have to deal with the cost incurred to them in other ways.
Other ways such as knowing that they took the coward’s way out of the relationship.
Of course, this is different to ghosting someone in a toxic relationship-because leaving a toxic person is highly justified. Ghosting an abuser is probably far more relieving than it is guilt-inducing, at least in the long-run.
If someone is being used and abused, they have every right to ghost someone!
Finally, if you would like more answers and closure for your situation, here’s a popular article on the 12 Secret Reasons Why Some People Will Always be Distant From You.
And here’s an article on Emotionally Unavailable Men: Signs and How To Deal With Them.
I hope this article gave you some good answers. If you have any thoughts, opinions or questions, leave them in the comments below. I always read the comments!
Renee is the founder of The Feminine Woman & co-founder of Shen Wade Media where we teach women how to show up as a high value high status woman whom easily inspires a deep sense of emotional commitment from her chosen man. Together with her husband D. Shen at Commitment Triggers blog, they have positively influenced the lives of over 15 million women through their free articles and videos as well as 10’s of thousands through paid programs through the Shen Wade Media platform.
Connect deeper with her work through the social media links below.
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